Marriage ideally lasts a long time and persists through many developmental stages. Throughout marriage, the focus can be pulled in many directions. In order for marriage to endure, there are three aspects of the relationship that need to be prioritized consistently throughout the marriage.  Specifically, married or committed partners need to pay constant attention to, and have active investment in the three major aspects of their relationship. Those include your coupling relationship, your parenting relationship and your financial relationship. 

There are many ways to get divorced. Technically, divorce is a legal process that allows you to terminate the legal contract of marriage. That legal process requires that you divide both your assets and your children. The manner in which you make those agreements are a decision that you will need to contemplate as you enter the process. Your choices are between mediation, litigation and collaboration.

Divorce is best considered as a restructuring of your family instead of the end of your family structure. Like any successful restructuring, all relationships that existed prior to divorce need to be considered. The most important is the parental relationship. In order for co-parenting to be effective, this new dynamic needs to be well-oiled and able to persist.

As the new year starts, we are full of hope, optimism and the desire to do better. As the year progresses, the motivation may diminish, but the intention remains pure. If a deep dive into your marriage, which may include divorce, is one of your new year goals, then don’t shy away. It’s time and you can do it.

The first step in successful holidays without the children is to remind them that they will be ok. Give them permission and encouragement to accept new traditions and to accept them without you. The second step is to remind yourself that you will be ok and let the children know your plans and hopes for yourself for the holidays so that they are relieved of burden or guilt when they enjoy their celebrations.

There is no doubt that a divorce when the kids are older than 18 is much simpler. There are no custody requirements, no financial support required for the kids and no concerns about the impact of the school aged kids having to shuttle between homes. I understand the motivation to wait. I also understand the potential unintended consequences.