The Trifecta of Marriage: Coupling, Parenting, & Executive Functioning

Marriage ideally lasts a long time and persists through many developmental stages. Throughout marriage, the focus can be pulled in many directions. In order for marriage to endure, there are three aspects of the relationship that need to be prioritized consistently throughout the marriage.  Specifically, married or committed partners need to pay constant attention to, and have active investment in the three major aspects of their relationship. Those include your coupling relationship, your parenting relationship and your financial relationship. 

In the early years, coupling is everything. You are attentive to one another, carve out space for one another and curious and supportive regarding that mundane, interesting and complex aspects of each other’s lives. When marriage takes place, the coupling dynamic usually is and ought to be extremely strong. 

The financial relationship and your executive functioning is also foundational to marital success. How you make, spend, allocate and value money really, really matters. In the early years, couples are generally focused on allocation of money and career success. There is a focus on making money and creating financial security as a single person and then as a couple. When kids, mortgages, financial changes, values and other aspects associated with finances interrupt plans or require a redefining of plans, relationships can take a hit. It is important from the very beginning that couples acquire and maintain a process for their financial relationship that supports participation that meets the needs of both people, communication that meets the needs of both people, and a financial road map that meets the needs of both people. The financial input need not be equal for the decision making about finances to be equal. The desire to have and maintain equivalent influence in your financial arrangement is important for the stability and positive endurance of that relationship in the context of your marriage. 

This final piece is parenting. Despite every good intention and plan, parenting can often interrupt coupling. Unfortunately, in the busy world of dual income families, coupling can take a big hit when children arrive. In order to survive and ensure the survival of children, families can’t ignore parenting or executive functioning. Families can ignore coupling.  In reality, no one dies or starves if couples fail to couple. If couples fail to parent or make money, there is real risk. That being said, much like the financial arrangement, participation in the parenting domain can be negotiated, but influence ought to be equivalent for the relationship to maintain health and function. If the balance of influence is achieved with mutual satisfaction, then the attention needed to be paid to the couple dynamic can be significantly more intimate and less conflictual or underscored by resentment.

When looking at your own relationship, it is important to understand these essential elements and reclaim the neglected areas. This will not only support function, but also help to achieve longevity and stability and a happy life in later years when couples tend to be less involved in parenting and work and have time to, hopefully, enjoy each other.