Best Time to Divorce: Now or When the Kids are Grown
There is no doubt that a divorce when the kids are older than 18 is much simpler. There are no custody requirements, no financial support required for the kids and no concerns about the impact of the school aged kids having to shuttle between homes. I understand the motivation to wait. I also understand the potential unintended consequences.
Parents are the strongest models for children and have the most influence over them in those early decades. If your marriage is one of conflict, disconnect or any form of abuse, the message you may be giving your children is that this is ok. Taking charge of the situation and modeling for them the value of happiness, connection and course correction can be even more beneficial than the alternative. If your marriage is one of abuse, physical, emotional or substance, then you are missing a chance to model control and empowerment, and also claim your own.
In addition to modeling, waiting for the kids to be grown runs the risk of calling into question their very childhood foundation. It can challenge things they thought to be true about their lives. It can also create stress for which they have no legal guidance about holidays, colleOne of the first questions that I ask couples in therapy is whether or not there is any hope. I’m not looking for much, but I need at least a shred. When hope is very low or nonexistent, the next thing that I ask is what they hope counseling will do for their relationship. Ultimately, the answer is something along the lines of “help us figure out how to stay together until the kids are grown.” This produces a very complex discussion about what they are trying to accomplish.
ge visits, grandchildren and general milestone events, celebrations and just friendly visits. The financial strain that often results from divorce can also create instability and resentment from your adult children who have typically expected one thing and are now experiencing or feeling responsible for another.
Divorce can be hard on families at any time. Avoiding or delaying for the purpose of a perceived benefit requires thoughtfulness about what you are hoping to accomplish. The very dynamic that you are trying to prevent may be the actual result. Divorce is an option that supports families hoping to reclaim peace, function and hope. There is no guarantee of results based on timing, so allow yourself the possibility of reclaiming your life at the time that it needs to be reclaimed. Modeling resilience and hard won joy can also be important for your children.